Monday, June 28, 2010

The State of Things

I’m not sure why I’m writing,  I don’t have much to say that hasn’t already been said.  Tonight I had the urge to paint.  I have no room, no light, everyone is asleep.  My paints are packed up, the mini’s tucked away.  I feel bad because it’s almost like being forced to give in to depression.

I’m supposed to be working on an Exalted character, I’ve all but given up.  The GM has a habit of starting things and not finishing them, and after we were told to work on exalted characters, the new Dresden files RPG hit the shelves.   Looks like a great game looks fun, he immediately went out and bought both the first two books.  and has been reading them non-stop.  So I have this feeling that Exalted won’t happen.  I haven't done any role-playing in months

My health is suffering greatly.  I’m 430 lbs right now, I’ve cut my calorie intake greatly, I’m doing less than 1500 calories a day now, but my activity levels are still so low,  part of it is the back pain , part is the stress, the depression the motivation.  I don’t like being like this,  but I become physically afraid at the thought of going upstairs anymore,  I simply can’t deal with it.

My cholesterol is fine, yet my blood pressure, is 150/100 on average right now, and the Dr believes that my weight, although a factor is not the prime suspect, but the stress, is the major cause.  He’s prescribed Wellbutrin as well as some blood pressure meds.

I cry almost every night now.  the thought of dealing with my grandmother and her husband is just too much to bear.  I’ve had some pretty scary thoughts late at night…   little daydreams about disappearing into the night, just running away.  hiding somewhere.   I’d do just about anything to escape the situation my family is in right now.  my kids deserve better than this.  They deserve better than me.

I visited my Grandfathers grave a couple days ago.  Spent maybe 20 min there talking to him, the way one does.  I haven't been to see him in many many years.  I think he would have liked the kids.  I don’t think he would like how Ralph & Grandma are treating us.  After all ,he actually cared,  Ralph & grandma don’t. 

I’m solidly convinced of that,  that my own family doesn’t care if I live or die, if my kids, live or die.  They say actions speak louder than words right?  Threatening to evict, a 9 month old child, with a hole in his heart, onto the street, in the winter, unless we file bankruptcy against our will.  Is that how family’s are supposed to treat each other?

I don’t want a free rid,e  I don’t want to spend for ever living on someone else's generosity,  but  I can’t get back on my own feet, without help.

They say, give a man a fish and hell eat for a day, but teach him to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.  It makes sense,  but what happens when the fishing lessons cost 300 fish to begin with, and he has no fish to pay for the lessons?  What happens, when no one wants to take the man to the lake?  or if they do, each trip costs another 100 fish

So how does this man get the 400 fish to start fishing on his own if no one will help him?

I haven't been in control of my own life for better than five years now.  Moving away from Washington,  not my choice, moving to canton, not my choice, moving to Florida, not my choice, having a nervous breakdown, not my choice, having a second one, not my choice.  I have had my actions dictated to me, by those who lord over my life, and yet I am blamed for the results.

The truth is I’ve just lost hope.  I can’t see any way, out of this situation, I’ve called all the agencies,s all the help lines, churches, private institutions, public facilities, everyone ,I put in job applications, I look for low income housing,  I’ve tried it all.. there’s nothing left, there’s no one that can help.

I’m living in a house with a 80+ year old man who tried to physically choke me,  who has grabbed me by the wrist and tried to throw me down a flight of stairs.  I can do nothing about it, because my family, my children.  As much as I suck at life in general, they won’t make it without me.

Every day my health gets worse.  I’m coughing a lot now.  I take maybe eight cough drops a day,  just to try & curb it enough to function.  I can barely stay on my feet for 10 minutes anymore, my back hurts to much,  it’s bad to begin wit,h and the weight gain hasn’t helped.

The mental game though is what sucks the most.  I’m not sure if anyone out there can identify.  to know what it’s like ,to wake up afraid every morning.  and I don’t mean afraid of the stuff above, afraid of bills, afraid of eviction , those worry me , but that’s not fear,  I mean REAL fear.  the type of fear you feel when someone stick a gun in your face.  I feel that, every morning, and throughout a good part of the day, and I don’t even know why.   I couldn't even tell you what I’m afraid of.  I just know that I want to hide, all the time.

When I do pull myself together enough to get past the fear, I feel depression,  self loathing ,hating myself for not being able to take care of my family, for being afraid, for not being able to do more.  I lament not enjoying the things I used to love, for not having the motivation to try and do something that would make me happy.  if I spend even 5 minutes, playing with my kids, I feel guilty, that I’m not out putting in more applications ,or something.  I know that’s not right,  that I shouldn’t feel guilty about taking small breaks, spending time with my own kids, but I do.  to make matters worse,  my whole family still says I don’t do enough.  that is of course in between telling me how fat & stupid I am,  How worthless I am and how much I’ve disappointed them all.

And then I cry.  Every night I cry, Because I remember a time when my family loved me.  When I didn’t feel this way about myself.  When even if things were bad, I at least had hope,