Thursday, December 24, 2009


Insomnia was kicking up again tonight,  it's a little after 5:30 in the AM , on the plus side I'm catching up on laundry.  I was listening to some music and got myself over-thinking again.

I remember in my youth, pre-teen and teen years how powerful music seemed.  I never had an easy childhood, so it wasn't carefree,  and my life now,  no so good.   but when I was kid, I could go to m room, lay back in bed, throw a cassette in my Walkman, put on some head phones, and even if only for a while all my stress, worries and troubles went away.  To use a cliché phrase I let the music carry me away.  I could close my eyes, and nothing else mattered but the music.

Today,  not so.  I don't know why,  but I can't get that same effect anymore, it's like subconscious ADD or something,  I can still sort of "feel" those worries and nagging bits of stress lurking just off the edge of my mind.  Sort of like being conscious of your breathing.  Normal you don't think about it, but then if you do, it feels almost "off" somehow,  that's what it's like,  no matter how deep into the music I try to get,  those worries stay.

So at first I thought "well my worries are more important now than they were then"

Then My 15 year old self beat the ever loving shit out of my current self.  I swore I wouldn't do that

Importance is a matter of perspective, and very personal , and truth is, back then , a favorite band breaking up was the end of the world.  The big test on Friday, more important than anything else. So in truth I don't think "magnitude of worry" has anything to do with it.

Maybe it's "just part of being an adult" or "part of growing up"  that seems strange though, I mean,  what is "grown up" psychologically?  what characteristics define it?  Cynicism? Had that for a long time,  Coming o terms with your own mortality? Been there,  I was at 8 funerals by the time I was 12,  death was familiar.  Hell maybe i'm not grown up or an adult now,  which thoguh brings us full circle on this highly un-important but strange quandary.

Listening to Blue Oyster Cult as I type this,  Don't Fear the Reaper came on... how poetic eh?

At any rate,  These very thoughts kept my mind going for a good 20 min or so before I decided to commit them to writing.

So all of you out there,  Many of use like the same things as we did when we were kids, but do you enjoy them as much as you did as a kid?  do you enjoy them on the same level you used to? 

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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