Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Some musings on my life

Today sucked in a lot of ways.
Nothing majorly bad happened.  It was one of those days though, where every little thing went wrong,  dropping silverware, dropping food you just cooked, being late for an appointment, an item you REALLY need from the store just happens to be out of stock,  That sort of thing. 

The whole last week has been a rollercoaster,  We got some potential good news, financially, but it's uncertain and hanging in the air right now.  We also got some bad news.  The office where me and My Wife get therapy, her for bi-poler/depresion/anxiety and I go for.. well that gets complex really.  Anyway, they are dropping support for our current health plan provider, as of December 31st.

Welfare's open-enrollment (A.K.A. the time where you can switch/pick a provider) is not until May.  Now I can get by without my therapy for a few months, but My Wife has medications she needs to be on,  we aren't sure whats going to happen with that.

All through this I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's hard, really hard.  a Lot of people talk about being "poor"  but it's one thing to have money coming in ,and all of it, going to bills, and so forth, you can have bills more than your income and that sucks

but to literally have no income at all, and be living in the good graces of others, others who take advantage, abuse you both mentally and physically.  I use the word abuse because that's what it seems like to me.  Assault is something you can defend yourself from.  But this... I have to take whatever they dish out, or else my wife and 3 young kids are out on the streets.  Before you say anything yes,  I've seen the family shelters in Detroit, no i don't want my  young children there.

Today, 3 months of saving paid off, and we got enough money to buy a new waste basket....

I try to be grateful, We have a roof, we have food,  We don't have good food, or a good roof, but we have them. 

what hurts the  most,is that I find myself un-able to cope.  I'm not asking for happiness, I'm not asking for a better life,  I'm just asking to be able to be something less that miserable and suicidal on a daily basis.

Every coping mechanism I have tried to develop has been taken away, many of them, intentionally so by own family.   My own mother lied to my therapist, as revenge for me discussing her drug habit. 

Not sure why I'm writing all this, I usually try to keep the mopey personal stuff out of my Blog, but tonight my insomnia is in overdrive, and I just.... I needed to do something, talk to someone, and there's no one there for me.








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