Monday, April 23, 2007


Have you ever been so bored, that it
enters into depression, and then wants to go even further?

to the point that you debate doing harmful things just so there will
be something to do afterwards?

Today is like that for me. Like
I could literally sit and stare, at the computer screen for a a few
hours, and have literally done nothing, and thought nothing.

tried to think of things to do. But no movies interested me, ones i
own I've seen a million times, ones i don't own. well lets say
Hollywood's not had a good couple years.

I'm unable to
role-play at the moment, due to all the players being tied up doing
other things.

I can't write, i have no further idea's for my
stories, my creative juices have long since dried up and gone away.

I can barely even run a decent Gaming session anymore.

if people could play I have very few choices of interactions, due to
the actions of people who have left the channel, and the subsequent
ripples of the the things they did, one my characters is on the verge
of unplayable. I have others that seem to have no tie-ins to the main
group. The people to whom he was closes,t now want little or nothing
to do with him. Billy is like an old high-school buddy, who faded
from memory, as everyone started their adult lives.

personally, i feel torn, I see my friends having fun, and I can't be
a part of what they are doing. To even bring it up, is unfair to
them, They should feel no obligation to entertain me. How dare I? Who
am i to ruin there fun? to put my boredom ahead of what they want to
do? why ruin their good times?

I spent hours, laying in bed,
staring at the ceiling, I wasn't tired, I just really couldn't think
of anything worth getting out of bed for. perhaps tonight we will
game. Billy will get involved in a scene or two, and maybe, if i
twitch his personality just a little, change how he should rightfully
act, and ignore completely certain past events, then I MIGHT be able
to enjoy him for a little bit. Each time I do so though, I'm not
being true to Billy, and a little part of me dies. By all rights
billy should be dead, He's alive for sake of game play. By most
rights, he should be a rampaging, uncaring beast, who's lost almost
everything dear to him, and given up caring about anyone. again, for
sake of game play I bury parts of him.

I've almost completely depressed
myself, now, and debate not even posting this. Doing so wil lalmsot
surely cause problems, not to mention i seem like a whiny emo bitch.
But it's how i feel, and it helps to write it, and to not post it
would be.... it would be one more thing I've buried for the sake of
others. If your in the channel with me heed these final words

do not change things. You are all
acting, exactly how your characters would act. You are 100% in your
rights, you are doing exactly what you should, what the characters
would do. I can not ask you to change that. It's not right. Billy
simply doesn't fit in anymore. I have to face this fact, we even
discussed it before, unfortunately, admitting the logical sense of
something, and dealing with emotionally are two very different

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